by Amanda Hawthorn
Spoilers: Set loosely in season 4.
Feedback: Love it, but no flames please I'm fragile!!
Archive: Grissom and Sara [dot] com and my site 'Something to talk about'
Disclaimer: CSI belongs to CBS and Alliance-Atlantis Productions. No infringement intended.
Summary: A tiny bundle discovered on Christmas Eve morning, turns Sara's life upside down.
Sara lowered the baby down into the hospital cot carefully, as she slowly loosened her arms around him. She found herself smiling down into his eyes as she reached out to stroke his chest softly. "There you go."
"He seems to like you," Tina smiled as she reached down to stroke his head.
"Yeah," Sara sighed sadly, "it'll wear off."
The nurse looked at her curiously, shrugging off the sadness in her voice. "Babies are very perceptive you know," she offered. "They can sense when they are loved and wanted."
"What kind of mother could abandon her child?" Sara asked suddenly, lifting her eyes from the little boy who grabbed her hands to try and pull himself up. His actions demanded her attention and Sara couldn't help but smile down at him adoringly.
"It's hard to tell," Tina sighed. "Sometimes it's a teenager who was far too young to have a baby and finds she can't cope anymore. Sometimes it's a cry for help."
"I don't see how anyone could do that." Sighing sadly, Sara caught Tina's eyes. "No matter how bad things seem you have a responsibility to your child."
"I know," Tina smiled, squeezing her shoulder in reassurance. "But sometimes things seem worse than they actually are. If she's young, then maybe she thought she was doing the right thing by her child."
"By leaving him?" Sara asked incredulously.
"Who knows Sara?" Tina told her, her eyes dropping to the little boy who now held Sara's entire hand in both of his tiny ones. "It's our job to treat him and not judge."
"Yeah I know," Sara sighed. "It's my job to follow the evidence and process the scene, but when something like this happens I can't always remember what is right." Turning to see Tina's confused glances she smiled. "I'm a CSI."
"So you found him near your work?"
"Yeah, just outside," Sara nodded.
"Well there's something at least," Tina shrugged as the doctor cane into the room. "She left him where she knew he would be taken care of."
"Yeah I guess," Sara nodded before the doctor took a step towards them.
"So this is the little man who was found abandoned?" he asked with a smile as he reached down to the baby's chest to tickle him lightly.
The baby squealed, giggling in delight as he relinquished his hold on Sara's fingers, momentarily abandoning his gaze upon her.
"And you are?"
"Sara Sidle, I found him and brought him here," Sara told him quietly, reaching down to the baby's head to gently stroke his soft hair.
"He seems drawn to you," the doctor observed as he began unsnapping the poppers of the baby's blue romper suit.
"Probably because I was the first face he saw," Sara told him quietly, unwilling to believe that this child felt safe with her.
The doctor nodded silently, distracting the baby with soothing whispers as he pulled his restricting clothes away from his small body. "Let's have a look at you shall we," he cooed.
"That's my cue to leave," Sara whispered softly to Tina as she picked up her discarded jacket and slowly stepped away.
"He'll be fine Sara," Tina told her sympathetically.
"Yeah, I know he will," Sara nodded reluctantly; casting one final glance back at the tiny life she had held in her arms for the briefest of times.
"You can come and visit him while he's still here," Tina offered quietly, walking the short distance towards the door with her.
"I don't think that would be such a good idea," Sara sighed, already feeling the sadness creeping over her lonely heart. "He has a mother out there already. The last thing he needs is me complicating things."
"Well if you change your mind..."
"Thanks," Sara nodded as she left the room without a backwards glance.
Outside, Grissom stood up when he saw her step out into the corridor. "Everything okay?"
"Fine," she nodded, her voice wavering slightly as she spoke.
"He already has a mother," Brass told her sympathetically, his words harsher than he had meant them to sound. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean..."
"Doesn't matter," she sighed tiredly, holding her hand up to silence him. "The kid's traumatized enough without me screwing things up for him." Turning around she started to walk towards the exit.
"Where are you going?" Grissom asked quickly as he exchanged worried glances with Brass.
"Home," she told him without looking back.
Turning to follow her, Grissom caught up with her as she made her way towards the exit. "Sara, you don't have your car here."
"Grissom," she snapped suddenly, stopping so abruptly that he almost crashed into her. Turning to him, she rendered him motionless with a steely glare that bordered on both anger and hurt. "I don't need to be reminded that motherhood is something that I'll never have, okay."
"You don't know that Sara," he told her, his own voice wavering as he spoke.
"Don't I?" she challenged fiercely, her anger bursting into aching heartache, softening her voice. "I'll see you tonight."
"Sara, I'll drop you off at your place..."
"You don't even know where I live Grissom," she told him sadly, turning to leave again. "I'll walk, it's not that far."
Brass came to stand next to Grissom, his eyes etched with sorrow. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it to come out the way it sounded." His voice was hushed as he spoke. "You can't let her walk."
"Jim, I've known Sara for a long time and even I know that once she's made up her mind it's pointless trying to change it for her."
Stepping outside into the coldness again, Sara shivered slightly as she lifted her face up into the light rain that sprayed down from the graying clouds. She'd had a glimpse of what could have been and as much as she tried to deny it, she knew that the feel of a baby in her arms had felt so wonderful. It was something that just wasn't meant to be. Who was she kidding anyway? She wasn't mother material, she knew that all too well.
Pulling her jacket tighter around her body, she took a deep breath and stepped out to begin her long trek towards home. Everything would be back to normal soon enough and these new found maternal feelings would soon disappear into the far reaches of her heart where they belonged. She was Sara Sidle, dependable, good at her job, always ready to cover for anyone who needed time off. And lonely. 'Yeah', she sighed to herself, 'that's all I am.'
Previous | Story Index | Next