by Battus philenor
Archive: Please ask first I might say yes.
Disclaimer: I have no claim to anything CSI related. I get nothing from this but happiness in doing things that those who do own CSI would never do.
Author's Note: Thanks Anansay for a great beta job. Any errors that remain were added by me afterwards.
Summary: Grissom and Sara have a conversation or two.
Copywrite © by Battus philenor 3/2004
Sara sat alone in the break room, eyes closed and thinking. She was a private person, always on the outskirts of any true relationship and as introspective as she was, it was a wonder she never
cared to know why she was this way. She just accepted the fact that she had no close friends.
This wasn't to say that she was an unfriendly person or that she didn't have acquaintances; she just didn't understand how or why people did it. Why you would want to feel obligated to tell one person, let alone many people what you felt inside. Telling them about everything that was going on in your head or worse in your heart was just such a risk.
The heart was another thing she didn't understand. It only contradicted and confused the things that the brain knew to be true. There were so many thoughts running through her head, but when it came down to it none of them really mattered. All that mattered in the end was perception, and that was something her heart could never beat.
There was the obvious age difference and the fact that he was her boss. Beyond all that there was also the fact that most of the time they drove each other absolutely crazy. But that was the exact point at which her brain backed off and the heart took over.
Sara knew in her heart the reason they drove each other crazy. She was in love with Gil Grissom, but fighting so hard against what she knew in her head to be wrong was dizzying. It was starting to take a physical toll as well. Her weight was dropping and sleep eluded her even more.
No. She couldn't have him because it was just plain wrong.
Grissom was sitting in his office contemplating why he was such weak man. He was a relatively intelligent human being with control over everything in his life; everything but those damn thoughts of her that kept creeping into his brain.
He just couldn't figure out how to shut them down; he could control everything but them, and it was much worse whenever she was around. When in the same room with her his brain would completely lock up. Try as he might, he couldn't mark the moment when his brain had become such an anemic specimen.
He either knew what he wanted to say, but no words would form, or words that didn't even logically go together popped into his brain and shot directly out of his mouth. He was beginning to think there was something wrong with the way his brain functioned.
There were no other instances in his life where this had happened. The only time it did was when she was around. She was the catalyst. There were brief thoughts that perhaps it was a sort of reaction to a pheromone she produced. Pheromones can induce all sorts of responses and reactions, but he didn't believe complete suspension of brain activity was one of them.
Then there was the adrenaline that coursed through his body whenever he saw her. His heart would race, and it would take everything he had in him not to pant for breath. Yeah, that would be nice; pant every time she walked into a room with him. Pavlov would be proud, and his is coworkers would have him committed.
He had to gain control over himself because it was just wrong. Besides that, she was over him. Although he never truly believed that she was into him, it was just some crush on a teacher. She was fond of him because he was her mentor, period.
Grissom was certain that's all it was because there was no way that somebody so beautiful, so intelligent, and simply so sexy could be attracted to him. It was ridiculous. The odds against it were staggering. He had always been an outsider. He didn't have relationships and wouldn't even know where to begin. He just wasn't good at that kind of stuff.
It didn't matter anyway. It was wrong and that was all there was to it.
He had to push those thoughts of her out of his brain. A fresh cup of coffee and hopefully they would be gone for the evening. He noticed the clock on his way to the break room. So much time had been wasted thinking about her. Only two more hours until everybody else came into work.
He stopped short in the doorway of the break room unable to come up with a reason why Sara would be in there this early. She was sitting on the couch, body totally erect and eyes closed as if she were sleeping.
God she was beautiful.
He found himself wondering if that was a normal sitting position for a person. It certainly was an odd state to find somebody in. Now his curiosity was piqued and he had to find out what was going on.
"Sara, are you all right?"
Seeing her jump, he immediately regretted disturbing her.
Sara turned to glare at him. "Geesh Grissom, you scared me half to death. Of course I'm all right."
He knew that she'd been frightened, but as evidenced by her face which was quickly coloring, he could see that he'd also embarrassed her.
"I'm sorry I scared you. I just ... you looked so, odd."
She stared at him, blank faced. "Thanks"
"No, I mean-"
"Nevermind," she offered quietly "it doesn't matter. I wasn't sleeping I was just thinking."
"Oh. May I ask why?"
She looked very confused by his statement. "Grissom, you're asking me why I was thinking?"
"Uh, no. I meant, why were you thinking here? There are still a couple of hours before shift."
Sara was starting to get angry now, she knew that her presence made him uncomfortable, but she didn't realize that she was a bother to him. She sat up straighter and squared her shoulders, gracing him with a cold look. "There's construction going on in my complex. I couldn't think there. They should be done today though so I won't be in your way anymore."
The last part was said with more than a little venom, and Grissom wondered when she had started to think of herself as such an irritant to him.
"Sara, I didn't mean to imply that you were in the way here. I just found it odd. That's all."
"Whatever Gris." She hung her head and closed her eyes again.
Now Grissom was really concerned. She seemed to deflate before his eyes. There was no argument from her, she'd just shut down.
"Sara, are you sure you're alright?"
She could hear the concern in his voice, but knew that it was feigned. It had to be. "Yeah, I'm fine. Don't worry, I'm not sick or anything. I'll be able to work."
"Sara." He was exasperated now and wasn't quite sure how to proceed. What was she thinking? He wasn't concerned about her working, he was concerned about her. "I'm not worried about covering the shift Sara." He paused again, not knowing what should come next. He didn't want her to realize how deeply concerned he really was. He knew it would just make her uncomfortable.
"What Grissom? What's the matter?" She couldn't take his pity any longer. The next sentence blurted out of her mouth without any thought. "Why are you pretending to care about me?"
She immediately regretted it when she saw him flinch as though she'd actually struck him.
"Sara of course I care. I care about all of you." He cringed as the last sentence exited his mouth. He hadn't meant to sound so callous but, she was done with him so there was no more need for her to know how he felt.
The tears welled up in her eyes before she could help herself. If she could just be angry and be done with it, everything would be so much easier. But the hurt was overpowering everything else.
It hurt to hear those words come out of the mouth of the man she loved so deeply. He cared about them all. All of his employees. She was just one of his employees and that was all she would ever be.
"Sara, I didn't mean it that way. I... damn it Sara, please don't cry."
He knew that was it. He couldn't sit there and watch the woman that he cared so much for cry because of something stupid he'd said, again. He knew this was about to end one way or another. It was time. Time they talked about 'this'.
"Sara, come with me."
It wasn't a question and it wasn't an order, it was what it was. It was Grissom standing in front of Sara with his hand held out.
Sara had no fight left inside and didn't know what to make of his actions this evening, but she was too drained to even argue. She took his hand and let him help her up. She was hoping he would never let go and when they reached the door he squeezed her fingers once and did just that.
Grissom stepped aside allowing her to pass in front of him and out into the hall. He put his hand gently in the small of her back, guiding her through the corridor and into his office. Ushering her towards the couch he waited for her to sit down before turning to shut the door.
There were no new tears as he turned to face her, but he could still see the wet tracks of the ones he'd caused and his stomach lurched knowing that he'd done that to her. He would never forgive himself for that.
He approached the couch and sat down, slowly turning to face her, unsure of how to begin. Not certain that he wanted to do this at all; he knew that the hurt had gone on for too long and it had to be now, he had no choice.
"Sara," he started softly as he waited for her to lift her head back up from where it was hanging. It didn't appear that she was going to accommodate him. If he was going to sit here emotionally naked before her, she was going to at least give him the courtesy of seeing the reaction in her eyes. "Sara," he started again and gave her another minute. "Sara will you please look at me?"
She didn't want to see his eyes. She wasn't sure how this was going to go, but if it went the way she feared it would, she just couldn't look at him. Loosing herself in those brilliant blues eyes while he was breaking her heart one final time would be too much.
The choice was no longer hers as she felt his hand gently lift her chin so he could see her eyes. She feared she would see nothing in those blue eyes staring back at her, so she tried not to look too deeply.
He began the only way he knew how, by stating the obvious. "Sara, we have to talk."
Getting something out besides her name made him feel a little better. It was disconcerting that she was looking at him so intently, but he needed to see her eyes. It was true that the eyes are the windows to the soul and Sara's gave away the very secret to her being.
"I didn't want to make you cry."
"Don't worry about it; it seems to happen all the time lately. I'm just having a bad month, not getting much sleep and all."
She was trying to downplay things. She sensed that this was the moment where everything would be decided, and she wasn't sure she was ready for it. This would be the conversation that would result in a resolution, and she was preparing herself to handle the rejection.
"No Sara." He interrupted her thought. "I am worried about it. I would never intentionally hurt you."
She looked at him then, head tilted and brow creased; he could almost see her making a mental list of all the times he had hurt her. His careless words broken up only by long periods of silence had done so much damage over the years that he feared that it was too late even for friendship.
"I'm so sorry Sara."
She searched his face for some clue in his eyes as to where this was actually going. She was stunned to see the myriad of emotions playing out before her.
"Gris, we've both been..." she struggled for the right word, "inconsiderate of each other's feelings."
"That's no excuse for someone that you care about though."
He actually got that out with out stuttering and sounding like a complete idiot. He was starting to gain a little confidence.
"Yeah, you said that already." She finished her thought before she could help herself. "You care about all of us."
He winced as she spit his words back at him, and any confidence he'd just gained drained right out of him. He really couldn't blame her though; he'd been such a fool.
"Sara, I didn't mean it that way. I do care about all of you, but I care about you in a different way." He looked at her closely hoping that she knew what he meant, but she didn't appear to.
Sara was wondering what he was implying and she quickly scanned back through previous conversations trying to gather some context. So he didn't think of her as a coworker. Then what? A student, a vegetarian, a friend; she was hoping for 'lover', but hardly wanted to let that thought enter her head.
"What I mean is I would like it if we maybe spent some time together."
The words came out as a question; stumbling his way through trying to verbalize for Sara, who just stared at him, the only movement a few blinks of her own confusion.
She was processing what she had just heard come out of his mouth; she could have sworn he said he wanted to spend time together. She didn't want to allow herself to get too excited. Maybe he meant work cases together. She had to know.
"What do you mean?" She was holding her breath nervously waiting for an answer.
"I mean, I like you Sara." There he finally said it. It was a curiously liberating sensation and he suddenly had the need to tell her more. "I like you and I would like to spend more time with you. I mean, if you want to of course."
He made it through three sentences. He couldn't believe it. But she still hadn't said anything and it looked like she was tearing up again. Oh god, anything but that, he couldn't take it. It tore his heart apart to see her in pain. He could actually feel when she was in pain. He'd never thought that possible, but his heart actually ached for her.
She couldn't believe he had finally said those words to her. She could feel the tears pooling in her eyes again, only this time she didn't care. The thought of Grissom wanting to spend time with her was almost too much.
Unable to stop them, the tears spilled over and trickled down her cheeks. As she closed her eyes and hung her head, she replayed his words trying to make them more real.
She was sobbing. Grissom had finally managed to put what he was feeling into words; the words that he thought she wanted to hear, only to have her breakdown in front of him. This was not one of the reactions he'd imagined when he had played this scene out in his head all those times, and it was breaking his heart.
He'd waited too long and he'd lost her. Tears were now starting to stream down his face, but he was oblivious. All he noticed was the pain in his chest. The ache was there because he'd been foolish; he'd waited too long and lost the only woman he'd ever loved.
"Sara, I'm sorry. "I... I didn't mean to..."
At his words, her eyes sprung open and her head snapped up. He was slumped over with his own eyes closed, tear stains down his face and his bottom trembling. She was amazed. It took her a minute to realize that she hadn't responded to him yet, at least not in a way that he understood.
"Oh my God." Was all she could muster.
Grissom's eyes opened and he looked at her, unable to fully understand her utterance. Her hand reached out and caressed his face, and there was such compassion in her eyes.
"Gris, I'm sorry." Her hand started to softly wipe away his tears, but he continued to look at her unabashedly.
"I'm so sorry. I waited so long to hear those words from you. Any words that showed me how you felt." She leaned in closer and kissed his still damp cheek.
"What?" He wasn't sure he understood correctly, but there was such love in her eyes. Love for him, now he was sure. The woman that he had wanted for so long was looking at him with love in her eyes and touching his face.
His hands reached for her face and he leaned in towards her. With their hands on each other's faces they leaned in together stopping with lips scarcely touching. He could feel her warm breath as it tickled his skin.
Grissom finally closed the gap and kissed her, gently at first and then with more urgency. He had waited what seemed like a lifetime for that kiss and he didn't want it to end. They finally broke away at the same time, both unsure of what to do next.
Grissom broke the spell Sara's gaze had cast over him and moved next to her side, pulling her close to him with an arm around her. They sat together without speaking, neither fully comprehending that all of their desires were on the brink of coming to fruition.
Grissom didn't wish their bliss to end, but had no choice. "We only have a few more minutes before we have to go to work. I don't want to but..." he trailed off not brave enough to ask for more.
"Can I see you after work Gris?"
It seemed as though she was brave enough for both of them. He found himself smiling at that. "I don't think I could make it through the night unless I knew I would be seeing you afterwards."
She was unable to contain a smile. "What do you want to do?"
"Why don't we go to my house and finish our conversation. I'll make us breakfast and we can really have this talk." He wished they could both call in sick but knew that would be ludicrous.
"That sounds nice."
They both got up to compose themselves. Grissom felt an overwhelming sensation of loss with her body no longer against his. While he found the need frightening, he couldn't contain the excitement he felt at the thought of being able to touch her again.
He leaned in and kissed her with more energy this time. She welcomed his tongue and could feel every part of her body coming alive with his kisses. She was amazed at how much excitement this man could generate in her. She reached up and ran her fingers through his curls.
He normally hated anybody's hands in his hair, but if she didn't stop it, it would be quite obvious exactly how much he enjoyed her doing it. This woman stirred more passion in him than he knew existed.
He pulled back and stared into her beautiful brown eyes. He was hardly able to contain his excitement. But if they didn't want to be caught, they had to break this up until later.
"Ok Sara, time to go to work Honey."
It wasn't the first time that word just flew off his tongue, and he rather liked it. He risked a glance at her to see her reaction to the term of affection. She was bent over tying her shoe, but he could see she was smiling.
They took separate cars to Grissom's house so as not to arouse any suspicion on the part of their coworkers. He could hardly believe he made it through the shift. While replaying their previous conversation he couldn't concentrate on anything but her, and it frightened him to think he was oblivious as to what had gone on that shift.
That kiss, and then a simple touch of her hand had made his body react so strongly. It shouldn't be legal. He was smiling and starting to become quite excited at the prospect of having the whole day together.
He didn't want to push her though. They should probably take it slowly, but God what that woman could do to him. He would need to stay focused and in control, so she wouldn't think that was all he wanted.
He waited for her to get out of her car so they could walk up the sidewalk together. He unlocked the door, and they barely made it inside before she turned around and they were again in each other's arms before either of them knew what had happened. God, how he loved her body pressed against his.
Sara couldn't believe they had made it through the shift, the ride, or the sidewalk. She'd never wanted him more.
He was kissing her forcefully with his body pressed tightly against hers. She broke the kiss and started on his neck. His arms were around her protectively, nestled in the small of her back. They seemed to have a mind of their own as they started to roam a little further down her body.
As she kissed his neck, he started walking them towards the door until he had her pinned against it. He brought his hands up to her face and pulled her head away from his neck so that he could kiss her again on the lips. Kissing her hard, his tongue probed the depths of her mouth exploring everything in its reach.
His hands moved from her face and slid back down around her back. Grabbing her ass firmly, he picked her up pressing her against the door. Her legs wrapped around him and she couldn't believing this was happening.
He stopped kissing her suddenly and looked at her as his face started to turn red.
"I uh, guess this isn't talking huh?" He smiled at her and started to put her down.
The last thing in the world she wanted was to stop and she could tell by the bulge in his pants that it was the last thing on his mind as well. But she knew he was right. She didn't want to rush into a physical relationship. At least not until they had a chance to discuss some things first. She excused herself to the bathroom to regain her composure, and he headed to the kitchen.
When she came out of the bathroom the coffee was almost done brewing. She didn't need caffeine, but if they were going to have a serious conversation she guessed she better have some. They had donuts and coffee in silence and did the dishes together in the same silence. Afterward, they found themselves cuddled on the couch with Sara's back pressed against Grissom's chest.
"Sara, I could stay like this forever."
"Hmm me too." She couldn't remember being so content.
"So, I guess this means you would like to spend more time with me as well Miss Sidle?"
"Um, that would be correct, Dr. Grissom. I definitely want to spend more time with you."
"Yes, Dr. Grissom?"
"Is that enough talking about this for you?"
"Oh, I think we've talked it to death, Dr. Grissom."
Grissom bent his head down and ran his tongue lightly over her skin from behind her ear and down her neck. He paused as he realized her shirt was impeding his path to her shoulder. He ran his tongue back up her neck to her ear to begin sucking on her lobe.
Sara's hands flew to Grissom's head and her fingers slipped into his curls. Even though she had dreamed of her hands in his hair, she was a little disappointed that it was all she currently had access to. But when she felt his hands on her, any disappointment quickly fled her brain.
He worked his hands underneath the bottom of her shirt sliding them up her stomach with the lightest touch creating goose flesh over every inch as he went. The shirt was rising along with his hands as they reached her chest.
He slowed the progression of his hands and took a moment to pinch her nipples through the fabric of her bra, feeling the flesh harden between his fingers. His fingers left her breasts and finished their task of lifting her shirt up.
Sara raised her arms without thinking to let Grissom lift the shirt over her head. With that thrown somewhere out of the way, he brought his hands to her neck running them down either side, and continuing on down over her shoulders.
Grasping them and squeezing gently he pushed her slightly forward to give his mouth better access to her back. Still holding her shoulders he leaned in and grazed his teeth over the skin in between her shoulder blades. He could hear her gasp and realized this position was not allowing him to feel enough of her beautiful body.
He scooted them down a little and allowed her to roll over on top of him. She was looking down at him with her hair hanging, tickling the sides of his face. She leaned closer to kiss him. His hands instinctively went to her butt, and her hands were immediately drawn back to his curls.
She could literally feel his excitement growing and it was pushing in just the right spot between her legs. They both moaned at the same time and he could feel her smile as she kissed him. Her fingers roaming through his hair drove him absolutely wild with desire.
His hands started sliding up from her ass to work on removing her bra. She stopped kissing him only long enough to help him slide it over each of her arms. She bent back down to continue their kiss and his hands went directly back to her ass.
Sara decided she needed to sit up to start removing Grissom's clothes. Her hands went to his shirt buttons as she sat with her legs straddling him. With that task complete, she rocked back on her legs while grabbing him to help him sit up at the same time.
They were now both sitting on the couch, her in his lap, which was still growing. She brought her legs from underneath her and wrapped them around him while he removed his shirt. Then they were in each other's arms naked from the waist up. Tightly pressed against each other, neither one believing it was really happening.
He got up with her legs still wrapped around his waist and started walking to his bedroom, neither wanting to break the kiss. He gently laid her on his bed and sat down next to her, staring at the half naked woman lying on his bed.
He wanted her so badly. He had dreamed of this moment for so long. With her body as beautiful as he'd imagined it would be, he leaned down and kissed her softly and quickly on the lips. Then he kissed her neck and started traveling lower. He was placing gentle, wet kisses at even intervals all the way down to her perfectly flat stomach. Pausing momentarily to suck on her belly button.
His hands wandered to her pants and unfastened them. He sat up, gently lifting her to pull them down along with her underwear and throw them on the floor. As he got up to remove his pants and boxer shorts, he gazed down at her lovingly, unable to believe how beautiful she was.
He had always thought she was a natural beauty, but here before him now, naked, the sight took his breath away. He lay back down beside her and gently rolled on top of her.
Their lips met again as their hands began an exploration of their own. His fingers found her core and he could tell how much she wanted him. She was so wet, and he'd made her that way. That thought alone filled him with such pride that he lost any lingering doubts of how she felt about him.
She grabbed his member and gently started stroking him. She felt so good; he knew he wouldn't last long. He broke the kiss to tell her so, but she spoke first.
"Please Gil, I want you inside me."
"There is nothing I want more Sara."
She spread her legs for him and he slowly slipped inside of her. He started moving gently, watching her face to make sure she was ok. He took the fact that she was smiling and biting her bottom lip to be a good thing.
With that he gained a little confidence, and he rose up a little bit so he could see her face better. She was just so beautiful; he had to watch her enjoying him. He went with slow and deep strokes because that seemed to give her the greatest pleasure. He was watching her and she was watching him. They weren't just making love; it was somehow way beyond that.
Her breath started to quicken and he knew she was getting close. He picked up speed just a little bit and her nails started to dig into his back slightly. He was never happier. She was whispering his name over and over again, and it sounded like heaven in his ears.
She shuddered and dug her nails into his back a littler deeper still. As he felt her orgasm grip her, he too let himself go, spilling into her. He was going to pull out, but she wouldn't let him.
"I want you inside me; please just stay inside of me for a minute."
He couldn't refuse her. He lay there on top of her, still unable to truly comprehend what had just happened. Sara Sidle was in his bed naked, where they had just made love.
After a few minutes she kissed his neck and he knew she was ready for him to pull out. He finally kissed her forehead, slowly pulling out of her and rolled off to her side. He lay on his back and she rolled onto her side putting an arm across his chest, playing with his chest hair. A thought suddenly came into his mind.
"Are you on the uh..."
"Am I on the pill?"
"Yes. Are you on the pill? I know I should have asked that before, um you know before we..."
"Before we made love?"
"Yes, before we made love. But I really didn't care at the time." He half smiled not sure if he should be pleased that he just acted without thinking for once, or if he should kick himself for not thinking about anything at all.
"Do you care now?" she asked.
This actually took him by surprise a little bit. Not just the question Sara had asked him, but the answer that was actually going to come out of his mouth.
"I don't know."
"I am, Gil. On the pill that is."
"Oh. Ok. I just, I guess I should know these things if we're going to keep doing this."
She half sat up and held her head in her hand. "So, we're going keep doing this huh?" She teased him. "You're getting awfully cocky all of a sudden."
He smiled at her and shut her up with a kiss.
Her hand started to drift down from playing with his chest hair.
He looked at her quickly "You know this is why the age difference matters you know."
"What are you talking about?"
"I'm not as young as I used to be. It will take me a few minutes to recuperate you know."
"Dr. Grissom, are you complaining?" She teased him again.
"I am definitely not complaining. I'm just letting you know how it's going to be. We can go all day and all night, I just need to rest a few minutes in between."
She grabbed him and started stroking him again, all the while looking at him and smiling.
He had never been so happy.
- The End -
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